Warning: It is long. It is in “Annglish”.
I was requested to write a biography in my CV to explain why dancing is my passion. This question hooked out all my sealed in memories that I hadn’t looked back on.
When I was 8, I was refused to join a school dance performance because I “had a bit too big a face”. The worse thing was I didn't take it as offensive and took it for granted, because our teacher said so. Since then the voices from the outside world led me. People were classified, some were born with the privilege to dance and to be taught to dance and some not. I started to dislike my face. I didn’t realise a voice was still screaming in my inner world,“I want to dance!”
Many years later, in my college dance club, I found my little heaven, where anybody could go whoever they were slim or chubby, with two left feet or two right feet. I learned dancing, I taught friends to dance. I shared the happiness of dancing with them. I could make myself happy and make people around me happy!
After I married and had children, I stopped dancing and didn't think or expect to get back to dance floor anymore as I would feel guilty as a mum.
In my most difficult and desperate phase of my life, I was convinced by social workers to go out and dance, they said, “You should not feel guilty, how could children be happy if their mum is not happy?”
Dancing healed me. During the two hours on the dance floor, I was taken from "hell" to "heaven". I was just ME without any social label. I felt I was still alive. The people on the dance floor seemed happier than in other places I visited. There is another reason to love life even when you feel there is no hope. My jazz jive teacher said, “you are the quickest learning pupil I have taught in my teaching career.” He had a dance with me and videoed it, he said,” Send it to your mum, tell her what I said, she must be very proud of you!” He hadn’t realised how much it meant to me.
However, where there is sunshine, there are always shadows.
One of my close Chinese friends who was a “perfect” mum tried to “protect” my reputation, “Don’t tell people you go out dancing. If you do, they won’t think you are a responsible mum.” Once when I told a mum friend how dancing made me happy and healthy, she said, “I am too busy for those crazy things.” It did hurt when those comments came from friends I trust and was opened to ...
Since then I told every friend that I liked go out dancing and that I was a mum. I can say proudly, except for only one occasion, when, during organising a whole day event, I had to be home late, I have never had a babysitter for my children to go to a dance, or other social event. One happy dance could feed my soul and refresh my body for weeks or months and gave the children a happier mum. Should a mum be disrespect because she likes to dance?
I started to orgainse charity dance parties with such fun and always with the kindest and most generous and unselfish people involved in with the best atmosphere and vibe! Dancing also can make more people who don't dance happy!
I love ballroom. 10 kinds of beautiful music to 5 elegant ballroom dances and 5 passionate Latin dances. I never get sick of listening to them, not to mention dancing to them.
Luckily, my ballroom dance partners, most of them being typical British gentlemen who have given me great positive encouragement and help. However, there was one... When he passed ballroom bronze, I asked him, “ Can I do it, too?” He simply said,”No, you can’t.” This time I didn’t swallow the negativity. I told myself,”Yes, I can!” I passed ballroom medals from bronze to golden award within one year. Now I am half way to passing my professional teaching exams. Some days, along with my other things to do, I could only sleep for 3 hours, but they were my fruitful happy days, seeing myself improve at such a pace.
Three years ago, I encountered tango, it is a dance for my soul, it is not only a dance, it is art, philosophy, love of life. Every tanda is a conversation with my soul and a moment of being me. It is the only dance with my eyes closed indulging in my own world with freedom, spontaneity, unpredictable joy of the harmony and peace with the music, dance floor, dance partner and everything. It is a movement of meditation on the dance floor.
Like most beginners, the first milonga I went to was a big challenge of my self-confidence. I got no dances except for one tanda with a dancer I knew. A gentleman walked up to me finally. I stood up excitedly. He said, “I just want to tell you, when you dance, your head is facing the wrong direction, but I am not going to dance with you.” Then he walked away leaving me standing there with a frozen smile. Maybe he didn’t intend to hurt me, but I was engulfed in the coldness, which pierced my bones. I decided to leave that place, which seemed, I was not included. Then out of the blue, a real gentleman came up to me and invited me to dance. It was the only warmth of that night. He is now one of the backbones of our tango family.
Tango clubs are thriving with variality and their own characters like all kinds of colours on the spectrum. I dreamed to set up one with the special colour of warmth and passion I want for healing and caring but not just only for dance.
With the enormous help and support from my tango friends and other tango clubs, the wish has come to true. At our Tango Cotswold Christmas Lunch, while I was watching our tango family hugging, chatting, laughing with beautiful smiles on their faces, I immersed myself in the ever so joyful and harmonious moment. I had such a weird but natural feeling, like a satisfied and proud mum looking at her baby.
Meanwhile, I setup Cotswold dance and FitLines classes to bring happiness and health to more non-dancers and give them opportunities to like dance more and learn more dances.
I enjoyed every class. I was feeling these lovely people were company with me to have fun instead I was instructing them.
I saw a picture. A mare is galloping. She fell into the trap with thorns, angels landed and wrapped her bleeding wound and help her stand up. She carried on in her journey. She got spurred, she rushed ahead crazily by the pain. Then she found herself running in a wonderland. Looking back--what a beautiful journey with those angels and amazing scenery! Without the traps and thorns, she might not have chance to meet the angels. Without the spur, she wouldn’t arrive at the wonderland and so fast.
It was dancing that helped restore me as a mum’s confidence to deal with that very difficult phase in my life and gave me hope that there is happiness to be had. Dance bring like-minded happy people to me and I was not alone. Dance makes me to know myself and love myself and then build up the ability to love others, then unintentionally attract more love back to myself in a lovely beautiful spiral of life. I was happiest when I was dancing and found that my enthusiasm and passion encourage other people to join in the fun too. Dancing mirrors the journey of my life of searching the meaning of life, of me growing up, looking into my soul and exploring inner joy, self healing and healing others.
I found the secret of happiness from this journey. The more you share, the more you get. If you give honesty you get the loyalty. If you give trust, you gain respect. If you drop some seeds of kindness, you will harvest love one day.
I have learned lessons from this journey. Fighting against negativity can only make us more negative. If darkness invades, we shine ourselves and darkness will disappear.We have to make ourselves happy before making people around us happy. We have to have the ability to love ourselves before we are able to love others. We can’t carry on our journey with a heavy burden of guilt and resentment towards ourselves and others. We can’t really forgive ourselves and let our darkness go until we forgive those who brought us darkness and negativity. At the end of the day, we don't need to prove others were wrong at us, we prove we can! In fact, we even don’t have to prove we can. It doesn’t matter anymore what people think of us. The main point is to know what our souls really hunger for. Life is not about competition, it is self-transcendence. No one can put us down except for ourselves. Nothing can destroy a humble but strong soul with love---the love of ourselves, the love of others and the love of life.
In this journey, I have been spoiled like a princess, vain like a peacock, self-conscious like a doormat, lost like dust. Now I know I am none of these things. I am ME. I am not just full of sunshine, but with grey zone and dark corners that can’t see the light. Thank all of those people in my life who made me who I am today. They are lightening up my life and cleansing my soul. The love I gained from this journey is priceless. I don't think the joy of being a millionaire can compare with the joy of being ME.
Now I heard the voice I lost when I was 8 and now I like my big face.
My friend who was helping me with my CV emailed me, “I'm so pleased that this application has given you an opportunity to recall your past in such a way that you can see how far you have come and how much you have achieved!! You should be proud of yourself!!! “
I am. :)